I need a vacation

I've been thinking I need a vacation. Seems like it might do me some good to go away for a few days. Disappear, enjoy some warm water and cold drinks. For months now I had wanted Melissa and I to get away together and have some fun; I think I should still go. It will be a different kind of trip, but a trip either way. Mexico, here I come.

My immortal beloved and the most beautiful girl I've ever known

Melissa meant (and means) so much to me that I don't know how to function without her anymore. I get out of bed in the morning for my son, but it's a struggle. Most days I just want to curl up and die. It is hard living with the knowledge that I did this to myself. If there is an afterlife, then I will bear this pain forever.

I wasn't the greatest husband., this blog is evidence of that. I could have done so much more, treated her so much better, a realization that, as it so often does, comes too late to matter. But I cherished every day I was with Melissa. When everything else in my life seemed dark, she was always there to light the darkness. It is difficult to imagine my life being worth living without her having been a part of it. I hope and pray that she goes on and enjoys her life as much as she deserves. I can think of no one more deserving of happiness than her.

Fear and loathing inside my mind

Desperation. Complete and total desperation. I'm lost. I don't know how to show Melissa just how much she means to me. Last time this happened I could think of nothing else. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep. This time it is different. There is an air of finality to it all. My heart is broken, not functioning properly. I'm wounded and lame.

The Small Things

Funny how it's the small things we miss the most. I mean, I miss her being here and being able to hug and kiss her, but the things I think of are the little things that make me love her.

I miss how she stands on her toes while trying on clothes.
I miss how she opens a can of soda - just barely a crack.
I miss the fact that when drunk she loves country music.
Or the sound her feet make when she rubs them together in bed.
I miss her laugh and the softness of her cheeks.
The noise she makes when she sees a kitten.

These are the things I choose to remember. We had a lot of good times together, and our share of bad, but when I think of the little things it never fails to bring a smile to my face.

I urge you to cherish the quirks that make you love those who mean the most to you. For it is these things that truly matter most when that love is gone.

A couple fo notes

I'm not sure what the point of this blog is. I had originally hoped she would some day stumble across it, but I realize the likelihood of that happening doesn't bode well for me.

Anonymity. This blog is written anonymously for only one reason - I don't think it's fair to Melissa or our son to post their identity without permission. Those who know us would figure it out immediately and that is fine, but I won't out them to the world (funny - since nobody seems to know this blog exists).

I'm not emo. I realize this blog is whiny and full of self-pity, but I won't cut myself or threaten suicide. This is simply a way to express what I'm feeling.

I appreciate comments, good, bad, or indifferent. If you have something to say - let's hear it.

Wait....What?

I can't believe this didn't work. I thought creating a blog with just one post would work, but I guess not. On to Plan B - more posts.

more to follow...

The Story

Two years ago we split up. It wasn't working. After being together four years and married for one we hit a wall. Neither of us was happy - I'm still not sure why. It wasn't like I didn't love her; I loved her more than ever. We just couldn't make it work. To be honest, we didn't really try. We never talked about the problems we were having, choosing instead to resent the other for our own unhappiness.

I moved into a hotel. I spent the first couple of weeks sitting around feeling sorry for myself. Within a month and a half we were back together and happy. But we never really fixed our problems, and soon after reverted back to our old behaviors. Over the past six months or so things have definitely deteriorated; which I still don't understand.

We take each other for granted - especially me. I really don't mean to, and it seems ludicrous now. How could I take this woman for granted? The love of my life, the mother of my child. I treat her poorly in general. I don't sleep much and get crabby as a result. The sad part is that I take it out on Melissa and our son. I get angry over small things - not raving lunatic angry, but angry none the less. It isn't fair to take out problems on the ones you love. Typing it makes it sound so simple, yet somehow I failed to grasp this when it mattered most.

Two weeks ago Melissa told me we were done. That she doesn't love me romantically anymore. Can't say that I blame her. HOW COULD I LET THIS HAPPEN? I don't make very much money, and we don't own a house. But still, I had everything I wanted; beautiful wife and child.

So here I sit. I am determined to win my Melissa back. And this time I will treat her like she deserves to be treated. I want to spend the rest of my life making her happy.

Baby, I love you.