Trouble sleeping

Sometimes I wake up because my heart pumps too hard when I dream about kissing her.

It isn't easy

Sometimes at night when trying to fall asleep I would get nervous about things. To calm myself down I would think "You love her, she loves you, and that's all that matters." Now I just stare at the ceiling.

Damn her

She's ruined half of my music library for me. There are a lot of great songs out there that I love that now only bring me sadness to listen to.

Happy holidays to all

I hope everyone has a pleasant and safe Christmas.



Yes, I realize that nobody actually knows this blog exists.

Christmas without her

We will be spending Christmas together but not "together". It's still feels weird and I'm not entirely sure how to act around her. It's hard not to hug her or call her "baby". At this point it is a deeply ingrained habit. I have a hard time calling her Melissa, I really never have. It's always been "baby" or "sweetheart". Anything else just doesn't feel right.

I miss you baby.

Today is the day

Well, not really. But I am feeling especially optimistic today. Not really sure why, I haven't had any reason for optimism - just feelin' good.

I realize that if Melissa ever does take me back it will be a long time from now. To be completely honest I don't think she will ever have me back, but I'm a stubborn bastard and refuse to give up hope.

I

you Melissa

They aren't all bad days

Some days are full of hope, most actually. Hope for tomorrow; a tomorrow with my family. I long for us to be together again.

Here is a picture of us.

Sick of self-reflection

As anybody who has ever on the receiving end of a serious breakup can tell you one of the worst parts is overanalyzation. I have a hard time thinking of things other than what went wrong.
I should have done this differently.
Why did I act that way?
What was I thinking?

I think this behavior is probably healthy to a point. I've reached and gone past said point. I feel like if this goes on too long I will end up a raving lunatic. Like Howard Hughes without the money or cool toenails.

Unrequited love sucks

It's tough being in a one sided love affair. When you love someone who doesn't love you back how do you come across as anything but creepy. I don't want to be "that guy", yet I want Melissa to know how much I love her. Such is my life. Guess I will have to get used to it.

Melissa thinks we are too different. I maintain that sometimes love finds you where you least expect it.

I miss my family

It's amazing how much I miss my family. I see them every day, but it isn't the same. My son is my son, and will always be, but my family is no longer. Before, it was the three of us, always. I thought that together there was nothing we couldn't do. I no longer have that feeling. It has been replaced with helplessness. I feel myself flailing and it leaves a bad taste in my mouth. I'm just thankful that Melissa and I still get along. I couldn't take it if she tried to turn my son against me.

I need a vacation

I've been thinking I need a vacation. Seems like it might do me some good to go away for a few days. Disappear, enjoy some warm water and cold drinks. For months now I had wanted Melissa and I to get away together and have some fun; I think I should still go. It will be a different kind of trip, but a trip either way. Mexico, here I come.

My immortal beloved and the most beautiful girl I've ever known

Melissa meant (and means) so much to me that I don't know how to function without her anymore. I get out of bed in the morning for my son, but it's a struggle. Most days I just want to curl up and die. It is hard living with the knowledge that I did this to myself. If there is an afterlife, then I will bear this pain forever.

I wasn't the greatest husband., this blog is evidence of that. I could have done so much more, treated her so much better, a realization that, as it so often does, comes too late to matter. But I cherished every day I was with Melissa. When everything else in my life seemed dark, she was always there to light the darkness. It is difficult to imagine my life being worth living without her having been a part of it. I hope and pray that she goes on and enjoys her life as much as she deserves. I can think of no one more deserving of happiness than her.

Fear and loathing inside my mind

Desperation. Complete and total desperation. I'm lost. I don't know how to show Melissa just how much she means to me. Last time this happened I could think of nothing else. I didn't eat, I didn't sleep. This time it is different. There is an air of finality to it all. My heart is broken, not functioning properly. I'm wounded and lame.

The Small Things

Funny how it's the small things we miss the most. I mean, I miss her being here and being able to hug and kiss her, but the things I think of are the little things that make me love her.

I miss how she stands on her toes while trying on clothes.
I miss how she opens a can of soda - just barely a crack.
I miss the fact that when drunk she loves country music.
Or the sound her feet make when she rubs them together in bed.
I miss her laugh and the softness of her cheeks.
The noise she makes when she sees a kitten.

These are the things I choose to remember. We had a lot of good times together, and our share of bad, but when I think of the little things it never fails to bring a smile to my face.

I urge you to cherish the quirks that make you love those who mean the most to you. For it is these things that truly matter most when that love is gone.

A couple fo notes

I'm not sure what the point of this blog is. I had originally hoped she would some day stumble across it, but I realize the likelihood of that happening doesn't bode well for me.

Anonymity. This blog is written anonymously for only one reason - I don't think it's fair to Melissa or our son to post their identity without permission. Those who know us would figure it out immediately and that is fine, but I won't out them to the world (funny - since nobody seems to know this blog exists).

I'm not emo. I realize this blog is whiny and full of self-pity, but I won't cut myself or threaten suicide. This is simply a way to express what I'm feeling.

I appreciate comments, good, bad, or indifferent. If you have something to say - let's hear it.

Wait....What?

I can't believe this didn't work. I thought creating a blog with just one post would work, but I guess not. On to Plan B - more posts.

more to follow...